The People You Meet

I went back to the alma mater to see Barack Obama tell me exactly how and why I am wasting my life and my intellectual promise. It was pretty okay. But that's not what I want to tell you about. What I want to tell you is a story about another man. A man I met in a public bathroom. (I guess this is where most of my good stories happen and/or where I spend a good portion of my life.)

So it goes down something like this.
Following the ceremony with no end (but plenty of snipers), I had to pee in a pretty bad way. This may have had something to do with the iced coffee, orange juice and 3 bottles of water I drank that morning to combat my hangover and avert potential heatstroke. Anyway. When I finally got to the restroom, it was empty except for a well-dressed elderly man who was shuffling around with a long strip of paper towel wound around his shoe. Since I really had to go to the bathroom, this man didn't really register in my mind as something weird. Until he turned around and stood next to me at the urinal. And not, "using the next urinal" next to me, but "elbowed me in the side and misdirected my stream" next to me. And then he just stood there and watched me finish. And when I was done, he shuffled some more.
He was completely silent the entire time.

As my dear beloved Edward said when I walked out of the bathroom in a daze and told this story to him and his dear beloved mother, this is the sort of thing that could only happen to me. (That's what Edward said. His mother just gave me the ol' stink eye.)

Which is true, I guess. But it looked like that gentleman had been in there for a while. So what I'm getting at is that this was a high-traffic bathroom. And I couldn't have been the only person in desperate need of the facilities following Commencement. Someone else must have experienced this man. This man must be someone's lost grandfather.
Please leave any leads you may have in the comments.

Catholic Kitsch UPDATE

We here at the office apparently bobbled the head too hard and the rat tail broke off! Luckily, Fr. Tony has a message board where you can ask him questions. I submit the following (unedited):

Steve Says:
May 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Father Tony, I just purchased one of your bobble heads. Problem is, the rat tail broke off when one of my coworkers bobbled it too hard. Any recommendations on the best way to reattach it?

From: TwoKnights06(at)aol.com

Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2008 3:09 PM
Subject: Father Tony

I guess that's why I head a headache....I felt a sharp pain not too long ago....

Superglue should do the job

Peace,

Fr. Tony

Well, that settles that.

Catholic Kitsch

This is Father Tony.

He's a priest (as you've probably guessed). He's also a minor celebrity in the Catholic speaking tour world. Here are the most important things to know about Fr. Tony, as far as I see it:

1. He has a sketchy mustache
2. He also has a rat tail
3. He carries a cane sometimes (apparently just for effect)
4. I own a bobblehead doll of him. I think I own it ironically, but I'm not sure. I have some pretty complicated feelings to work out. The bobblehead looks like this. It even has a rat tail!

Beggers & Choosers: A Parable of Sorts

Tonight, I rode the A train home from a party after midnight. Because I am poor, and because it would have gone to waste otherwise, I filled up a plastic bag full of food left over from the party before I left. I didn't think anything of this until I finally got on the A train and realized that I was inevitably sharing the car with several people whom I will simply term as "down on their luck" (though to varying degrees).

After a stop or two, one person finally approached me and asked for something to eat. I hesitated for a moment, remembering the time I tried to feed the ducks in the park when I was 6 and ended up running for my life while a flock of geese chased me down for the entire loaf of bread I was holding (they eventually surrounded me when I crawled on top of a picnic bench. I don't remember how I got out of it, just curling up in the middle of the bench and crying as the ducks bit my sneakers.) before I realized that I would look like a righteous douchebag if I pretended I didn't have anything to spare while a bag nearly bursting with food sat at my feet and I held a cheese plate in my hands.

(Also, in an uncharacteristically sincere vein, I have a genuinely deep compassion for people in need.
Let's never speak of this again.)

I gave the woman a soda and a bag of chips and then braced for the worst. And indeed, people seemed to perk up throughout the car once I realized I was handing out food. Some people stood up and began ambling towards me. I prepared for the worst, I prepared for people to start biting my sneakers again. But then it happened:

"Do you have any chips that aren't jalepeno flavored? And some soda that isn't diet?"

The swelling crowd paused once they saw the kind of food I had to offer. I spent a moment looking through my bag, actually looking to see if I had anything this bag lady would prefer. I guess I took a little too long because after a moment she handed my food back to me and said, "Thanks anyway." And then the crowd began to disperse as well. And I sat there, holding a bag brimming with food, perfectly willing to feed the hungry of New York City, while everyone on the subway ignored me and my unfortunately flavored chips and low-sugar soda.

I had failed in some strange way.

An Addendum to the April 10th "Tony Stark" Incident

I finally saw Iron Man.
Tony Stark was only a little bit like the drunk man.

Toilets are Deeper Than You Think

While cleaning my bathroom this morning, I accidentally put my foot in my toilet and then tripped trying to get it out.
I feel that no other commentary is necessary at this time.

A Comparison

Things I was Supposed to Read Today
1. A manual on how to perform self-castration. It apparently has many benefits (such as preventing male-pattern baldness.) It also requires cutting your balls off though.

2. An article on perforated condoms. "Doesn't ruin the whole point?" you may ask. Yes, yes it does. But it is consistent with Catholic teachings on the Theology of the Body. So there's that.

3. An passionate 3,000 word endorsement of John McCain from the Senate Democratic Majority Leader of Rhode Island.

Things I Actually Read Today
1. A Wikipedia page about War Machine, Iron Man's occasional sidekick.