Things Found in My Elevator This Weekend
- 2 empty 40s
- a used condom
- a puddle of urine
- cat poop
- Doritos
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Hogan's Memos
Tim Hogan is the manager of the building I work in. I bet he was an excellent hall monitor when he was 12. Since I'm leaving my job in a matter of days, I've decided its time to knock him down a peg or two. And probably get fired in the process. You can track my hijinks here:
http://hogansmemos.blogspot.com/
http://hogansmemos.blogspot.com/
Saturday, August 2, 2008
A Status Report
Current Contents of Refrigerator: 1 six-pack Red Stripe, 1/2 lb of American cheese
An auspicious beginning to a life in Brooklyn.
An auspicious beginning to a life in Brooklyn.
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Singularity
I had dinner with one of my friends this evening. Midway through the meal, my friend told me that his career goal is to be a cyborg by 2035. And to never die, instead he's going to live forever on the Internet as a software program. He was completely and utterly serious. He even explained the kind of entry-level job he would have to get.
I wasn't sure what to say. Everytime I looked in his eyes, I got really scared. Also, my curry was really spicy.
I wasn't sure what to say. Everytime I looked in his eyes, I got really scared. Also, my curry was really spicy.
Monday, May 26, 2008
The People You Meet
I went back to the alma mater to see Barack Obama tell me exactly how and why I am wasting my life and my intellectual promise. It was pretty okay. But that's not what I want to tell you about. What I want to tell you is a story about another man. A man I met in a public bathroom. (I guess this is where most of my good stories happen and/or where I spend a good portion of my life.)
So it goes down something like this.
Following the ceremony with no end (but plenty of snipers), I had to pee in a pretty bad way. This may have had something to do with the iced coffee, orange juice and 3 bottles of water I drank that morning to combat my hangover and avert potential heatstroke. Anyway. When I finally got to the restroom, it was empty except for a well-dressed elderly man who was shuffling around with a long strip of paper towel wound around his shoe. Since I really had to go to the bathroom, this man didn't really register in my mind as something weird. Until he turned around and stood next to me at the urinal. And not, "using the next urinal" next to me, but "elbowed me in the side and misdirected my stream" next to me. And then he just stood there and watched me finish. And when I was done, he shuffled some more.
He was completely silent the entire time.
As my dear beloved Edward said when I walked out of the bathroom in a daze and told this story to him and his dear beloved mother, this is the sort of thing that could only happen to me. (That's what Edward said. His mother just gave me the ol' stink eye.)
Which is true, I guess. But it looked like that gentleman had been in there for a while. So what I'm getting at is that this was a high-traffic bathroom. And I couldn't have been the only person in desperate need of the facilities following Commencement. Someone else must have experienced this man. This man must be someone's lost grandfather.
Please leave any leads you may have in the comments.
So it goes down something like this.
Following the ceremony with no end (but plenty of snipers), I had to pee in a pretty bad way. This may have had something to do with the iced coffee, orange juice and 3 bottles of water I drank that morning to combat my hangover and avert potential heatstroke. Anyway. When I finally got to the restroom, it was empty except for a well-dressed elderly man who was shuffling around with a long strip of paper towel wound around his shoe. Since I really had to go to the bathroom, this man didn't really register in my mind as something weird. Until he turned around and stood next to me at the urinal. And not, "using the next urinal" next to me, but "elbowed me in the side and misdirected my stream" next to me. And then he just stood there and watched me finish. And when I was done, he shuffled some more.
He was completely silent the entire time.
As my dear beloved Edward said when I walked out of the bathroom in a daze and told this story to him and his dear beloved mother, this is the sort of thing that could only happen to me. (That's what Edward said. His mother just gave me the ol' stink eye.)
Which is true, I guess. But it looked like that gentleman had been in there for a while. So what I'm getting at is that this was a high-traffic bathroom. And I couldn't have been the only person in desperate need of the facilities following Commencement. Someone else must have experienced this man. This man must be someone's lost grandfather.
Please leave any leads you may have in the comments.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Catholic Kitsch UPDATE
We here at the office apparently bobbled the head too hard and the rat tail broke off! Luckily, Fr. Tony has a message board where you can ask him questions. I submit the following (unedited):
Steve Says:
May 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Well, that settles that.
Steve Says:
May 13, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Father Tony, I just purchased one of your bobble heads. Problem is, the rat tail broke off when one of my coworkers bobbled it too hard. Any recommendations on the best way to reattach it?
From: TwoKnights06(at)aol.com
Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2008 3:09 PM
Subject: Father Tony
Superglue should do the job
Peace,
Fr. Tony
Well, that settles that.
Catholic Kitsch
This is Father Tony.
He's a priest (as you've probably guessed). He's also a minor celebrity in the Catholic speaking tour world. Here are the most important things to know about Fr. Tony, as far as I see it:
1. He has a sketchy mustache
2. He also has a rat tail
3. He carries a cane sometimes (apparently just for effect)
4. I own a bobblehead doll of him. I think I own it ironically, but I'm not sure. I have some pretty complicated feelings to work out. The bobblehead looks like this. It even has a rat tail!
He's a priest (as you've probably guessed). He's also a minor celebrity in the Catholic speaking tour world. Here are the most important things to know about Fr. Tony, as far as I see it:
1. He has a sketchy mustache
2. He also has a rat tail
3. He carries a cane sometimes (apparently just for effect)
4. I own a bobblehead doll of him. I think I own it ironically, but I'm not sure. I have some pretty complicated feelings to work out. The bobblehead looks like this. It even has a rat tail!
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